I have spent the last six months missing someone. I’m a little better off now than I was a few months ago. I’m still not back to normal but at least I’m eating again. I had judged this one-time friend as authentic. She had convinced me that her love and friendship were unwavering … then she pushed me away and made it quite clear she was done.
I’ve spent the last month and a half fighting with myself. Pride has kept me from contacting her but I miss her. I know I’m better off not giving in because our friendship can never be what it was after she so clearly pushed me out of her life. Her actions totally contradicted all the words that had passed her lips during the last four years.
I suppose what I miss is the illusion that existed – the illusion that she loved me, that she missed me during my absences. I also miss the illusion that I found someone who understood me, the illusion that I had found someone who shared some of my interests, the illusion that I was a better judge of character than I have turned out to be, but most of all I miss the illusion of trust.
My dreams, if they can be trusted, all point to a deception. Whether these dreams are insightful or parroting my more negative thoughts will probably never be known.
One thing I won’t miss when (or if) I finally shake this thing is the utter humiliation I have experienced as a result of trusting someone so much that I tore down walls I rarely ever touch. Thankfully I didn’t tear them all down. I was left with a few standing walls. They didn’t provide much protection, but they apparently provided enough protection to have survived the experience.